Points to Ponder

With all the horrible things that have been going on in our world today, I feel like we need to stop and smell the roses and remember the good things, like laughter, so for all of you out there, I offer up these points to ponder and these funny little quotes. I hope you enjoy them...Julie

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have
branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ..but it's only a
"penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why did we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they
fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do we choose from just two people for President and
fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're
going to see you naked anyway!

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out!"

Who was the first one to look at an egg come out of a
chicken and say "That looks like some good eatin!?"

Why do toasters always have a setting that turns the toast
into a charcoal briquette?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do
they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked
for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when gets out of the
shower/bath, but doesn't wear pants?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME
crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's you know where?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks
his head out the window?

1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5. "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6. "Relationships are hard . It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you
a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7. "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh." --Conan O'Brien

9. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a
slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10. "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11. "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13. "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14. "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15. "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16. "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

17. "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

18. "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!'" --Dave Barry

Oh, and I just found this story, that I thought would sure be a joy to share....enjoy!

This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it should be. As Beth told
the story...

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal
the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now
The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,
fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I
should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean
bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on
your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of
string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I
mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so
maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the
wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the
SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my foot. (Oh, how that phrase will
come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around
it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter
of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the boy and
verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all
about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting
Championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the
inside of the right butt cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I
brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to
pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP!
Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming
back to normal again.

I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much
agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the
wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it?
Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see
hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am
touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I
have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake Up
until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know
I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And
then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt? Sealed
shut.

A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to go to the bathroom
anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot
water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only
thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the tub. I call my friend, C, because she once dropped
out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to
get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my butt
and vagina are stuck to the tub." She doesn't have a trick. She does her
best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on
the butt - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even
trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire
night.

She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good
cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were
working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack
sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for
everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet
if you tell them the truth."

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than
covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN
dry shaving the sticky wax off! In the middle of the conversation (which has
inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful
saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub
some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty
congratulations from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair
is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that
point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never know when a moustache might start to come in