Tough Love

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE

TV AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has

been completed. Since congress does not want to

spend any more money on this war,

our mission in Iraq is now complete. This morning I

gave the order for a complete removal of all American

forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within

30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning. Before me,

I have two lists. One list contains the names of

countries which have stood by our side during the

Iraq conflict. This list is short.The United Kingdom,

Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the

countries listed there. The other list contains

everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's

nations are on that list. My press secretary will be

distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me

start by saying that effective immediately,

foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately

and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year

alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money

into third world Hell-holes and watch those government

leaders grow fat on corruption.Need help with a famine?

Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future,

together with Congress, I will work to redirect this

money toward solving the vexing social problems we

still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist

organizations. Mess with us and we will hunt you

down and eliminate you and all your friends from the

face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to

terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys.

Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David

is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations.

They have some great palaces there.

Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing

of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia.

Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from

NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to

begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located

in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets

to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded

and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty

pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of

unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch

your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned

over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.

I love New York. A special note to our neighbors.

Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing

a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try

treating us decently for a change. Mexico is also

on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt

government really need an attitude adjustment.

I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions

sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em?

Yep, border security.

So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States

is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way

highway. It is time for America to focus on its own

welfare and its own citizens.

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them

by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent

life around the world has only earned us the undying

enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is

time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate

homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup

Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought.

Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher.

If you are reading it in English, thank the US military.

My dog.....

was put to sleep today......she was 10 years old, and it was discovered that she had some tumors in her back.....

today is not a good day......

How Interesting!

Okay, so I came back to Santa Cruz after work, and decided to do a little shopping. Then I went and picked up some dinner and on the way home I saw the most interesting thing. This lady was standing at the corner waiting to cross the street with her dog not on the leash, and her cat on a leash! Yep, you read that correctly! SHE HAD HER CAT ON A LEASH! It was so wierd! I know I tried this once when I was little, cuz I thought it would be cool, and I'm sure my cat hated me for doing it, but I did it anyways! However, this cat actually really behaved on this leash! It was crazy! So, I just had to share........how is your day going?

My Birthday

So, my birthday was on Saturday. I turned 26. Wow.....as I would say, I am officially old. Well, not really, but, whatever.

So, Friday night, I went out to dinner with my friends Cindy, Darla and Jenn. We had a good time, and then headed out and saw Man of the House. It was pretty funny. Not sure I would buy it when it comes out, but it was good.

Saturday, I went out to lunch with Chad, and then did a little shopping. He bought me Bambi! I was really happy, and I can't wait to watch it, however, don't know when I might have the time to do it. We also went LapTop shopping. I just wanted to check out prices and see what was available and all that. Wasn't planning on making a purchase right that second, as I had the money, but I also had bills to pay.

Well, then I headed on down to Lemoore, and had dinner and presents and stuff with my parents. I got a few clothes, a smoothie machine (which is the awesome one that I have used before and love, but wasn't expecting.....it was cool!), but of course my favorite present was what my dad got me, I GOT MY FIRST ELECTRIC DRILL!!! Yeah, okay, so most girls aren't going to be asking for a Drill, but I do. I like doing that kinds of construction work stuff with my dad. And, because we have been doing work on the cabin, it really starts hurting my hand to do it with a manual screw driver. So I'm sooooo excited! I can't wait to use it, and I am getting off work early today, so I might get to use it tonight for a little bit.....will just have to wait and see.

The other thing that was cool about this weekend, is that I got some money for my birthday as well, and it helped put me over the top to get my laptop. So, on Sunday, I went with Chad and we picked up my other new toy! I'm sooooo excited about that as well. I can't play with it yet, as Chad said, I probably need to charge the battery for 24 hours.......not sure, but I have charged it overnight, and this morning the light wasn't blinking anymore, so I think I might be okay to use it, but I will double check the books and all that before I do. Don't want the battery to die prematurely! I'm sooo happy though! I will finally be able to take my computer anywhere. Oh, and it has wireless internet built in, so I don't have to worry about buying that piece, I did have to buy a router though, and that was only 10 bucks! And, I purchased this rewards program with the store for 10 bucks, and for every 150 dollars you spend, you get a 5 dollar gift certificate, so with my purchase, I will be receiving around 60-65 bucks in gift certificates! So, I just totally MADE money on this purchase! So, I'm excited about that as well, as this means, I will have free money coming to me to go shopping some more......not sure what I will go and get, but I'll worry about that later!

Oh, and I bought the extra insurance for the computer, which covers like EVERYTHING, and every year, you get a new free battery for the computer, so, right there makes it worth it, just to get the free battery! I will also be renewing this once it is up in 3 years. They said, that if they can't fix the problem, or if the same problem happens 3 times, then on the 4th time, they will give me the purchase price I paid credited towards a new computer! Which, I think is awesome as well! AHHHH, I love my new toys!

Okay, I think I better actually do some work now......later.......J

How to do your business at work!

Okay, so this one really made me laugh.......everyone does this, and no one will admit it. I hope you all enjoy this......and I'm sure you will all identify yourselves in this........J

By the way......tomorrow is my birthday, but I'm sure you all remembered that, didn't you....?!

HOW TO S AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked backin our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK s is inevitable. For those who hate ing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before ing. Walk in and check for other ers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a p in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a , several farts slip out at a machine gunpace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET ER A colleague who s at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET ER before entering the bathroom.

THE ING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency ing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of OUT OF THE CLOSETERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a er of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used inconjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the er can in peace.

WATERMELON A that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Thoughts.......ahhhh, I love these kinds of Jokes....

Okay, so, I'm dead tired right now......I didn't get to bed until about 10:30, and I think I probably fell asleep around 11 (2 hours after my normal bedtime) and then got to hear Chad's alarm clock go off 10, yes, 10 times.......first to times were to music, and it was Iranian, call the people to temple music.....what the? Yeah, tell me about it......then the other 8 times were to that annoying buzzer sound! Oh, how I hate hearing that......finally, the Blue (the cat) wouldn't let him sleep any longer, and meowed to be feed........ahhh, to sleep in my own bed to night and not have to listen to that crap in the morning......it will be so nice!

Now, on to the forward of the day.......enjoy.......J

Thoughts

1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and"Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5. "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6. "Relationships are hard . It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7. "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:"Duh." --Conan O'Brien

9. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10. "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in NewYork said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11. "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

13. "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14. "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest totallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"--Warren Hutcherson

15. "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

16. "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

17. "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

18. "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

Blonde GUY Jokes......

So I got this today.....thought it was kinda funny, figured I better pass it on, as we all need a good laugh.....granted.....it isn't hysterical, but it is a good chuckle......enjoy.....J

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Ha! Ha! Ha! Okay, so, it really isn't all that funny, but oh well.....I'm sure it at least put a smile on your face!

Boys

Okay, so I don't have kids of my own, but I received this forward and it was, how do you say, HYSTERICAL! I can totally picture some of my friends, who do have sons, having this happen in their house one day! I hope you all enjoy!

Raising Boys

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding)

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spreadpaint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.